Achievements, in Chronological Order
She's Alive - Get this one just for finishing the cinematic intro. That's awfully generous of you, RE:7!
A-ha! - Given when you examine an object to find something hidden. First attainable before you enter the Guest House, by examining the purse out front. If you miss that one, there are still many, many other chances strewn throughout the game.
Behind Closed Doors - All the Baker doors seem weighted to close on their own, but it's good opsec to close them behind you manually. Do this with the F key while passing through an open door for both peace of mind, and this achievement. First attainable while exploring the Guest House.
Master of Unlocking - First chance to unlock this one is during the videotape flashback in the Guest House. The moment the flashback starts, you (as Clancy) are standing on a Lockpick. Step aside and look down to grab it, then pick the locked drawer in the Guest House kitchen.
Welcome to the Family - Automatically gained when you complete the Guest House section.
Arms in the Air - Block an enemy attack. As the achievement icon indicates- you have to block with your bare hands. This is possible to get during the Guest House, but most natural to first acquire while you're unarmed and Jack is stalking you around the Dining Room. Just hit the space bar when the shovel swings, and this one's yours.
He's Here, There, Everywhere! - Destroy one of the purple Mr Everywhere bobbleheads. You'll first come across these in the Main House, in and across from the Laundry Room. Once you get the Knife, slash one of those to get this achievement.
Nice Try - Put something on the shadowpuzzle plinth unrelated to the puzzle. First chance for this in when you reach the Main Hall for the first time, shortly after the garage fight.
Can't Catch Me - Get through the 'Mia' videoflashback without being spotted. Once you have access to the Main Hall, you'll have access to the Rec Room upstairs, which contains both this tape and a tape player (or Video Cassette Recorder, in the high tongue).
Open Your Eyes - Use the psychostimulants and see the world. Differently. First chance is with the tin in the Drawing Room with all the animal trophies, just past the Sky Hunter shadow puzzle.
Things Got Personal - Finish off an enemy with the knife. Note that this only counts the final blow- it's totally permissible to pound a few rounds into the beast before the coup de grace. The most convenient place for this achievement is the section just after activating the Sky Hunter puzzle in the Main Hall. Just ahead are numerous Mold enemies along with numerous autosaves and a bonfide save room. Once your progress is secured, pop the knife and go to town on that filth.
Duck If You Love Life - Go for this one during the boss fight just after you get the third dogshead. After the preliminaries are over, Jack will grab some motorized hedge-manglers. As he's doing this, immediately approach him from the left. His initial position means he will always swing across his body on the first attack, giving you an easy opportunity to duck the blades and earn this achievement.
You Ain't Gettin' Away - Automatically granted when you exit the house through the Cerberus door.
Slash-Slash-Slashity-Slash! - Clear the door from one of the spider-infested doors or cabinets in the Old House using your knife. You're going to take some serious spidery damage doing this, so consider saving, slashing, then reloading.
In the Bag - Extend your inventory with a backpack. The first one is available in the save room at the end of a pier behind the Old House.
Less is More - Kill two enemies with a single shot. While it's probably possible to get this with very careful management of the Moldies in Dissection Room or Boiler Room, it's much easier to wait until the Old House section, where the big bugs count as enemies (smaller bugs, swarms, and spiders do not). Aim your shotgun just so to splatter the walls with bug guts and glory. It's also possible you'll pick this up naturally in the course of the next achievement.
Back Off, Mrs. B! - Fight off Marguerite in the hallways of the Old House (which is to say, in the territory shown in the Mia videotape, not Marguerite's boss battle). This takes a lot of ammo, so is another good candidate for a save-fight-load type strategy. Still, the execution is straight forward- after picking up the spidery Stone Statuette in the lower level of the Old House and watching the scripted event nearby, Mrs. B will be stalking you back on the main level. Hunt her down and hit her with everything you've got until she 'runs away' by knocking you on your virtual ass.
Fly Swatter - During Marguerite's actual boss fight in the Greenhouse, hit her with a shotgun blast during her leap attack. This is trickier than it sounds- her leaps are fast and the shotgun is slow, and has limited ammo. Best strategy is to lure her into the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. She really likes to climb up the wall to the second level and leap. Keep your shotgun ready and eventually you'll get lucky.
1st Place at the Science Fair - There's an element of luck, but if you've been hoarding crafting supplies, now's about the time you have enough to craft everything in the game that can be crafted from Chem Fluid and Strong Chem Fluid, earning this achievement. To see exactly what can be crafted, check out our Crafting Guide.
The Grave Will Out the Truth - Return to the backyard with the serum component from the secret room in the Old House.
Out Before Dessert - Complete the Happy Birthday!! videotape in less than five minutes. Complete guide here.
You Better Start Running - Unmissable achievement given when you leave the the Baker estate by boat, after making a terrible choice.
Be Kind, Please Rewind - Watch all Videotapes in a single playthrough. There's one in the attic of the guest house, one in the Rec Room of the Main House, one in the attic space above the Kids Room, and an unmissable one aboard ship.
That's a Spicy Meat-a-ball - Technically achievable anytime after gaining Remote Bombs, which first become available while enmeshed in Videotape #4. However, you can only attach a Remote Bomb to an enemy who is grappling you, and it can be surprisingly hard to convince an enemy to go for the hug attack, rather than a basic maul n' disembowel. The easiest enemy to embrace this way is the plus-size Moldy that attacks you in the Sick Bay, on the third floor of the Wrecked Ship (this is the same room with the power cables). Get close, dodge a vomit stream or two, and then wait for those great big arms to sweep you up before jamming an explosive bundle up its nose.
Pelicans in Your Pocket - Collect every Antique coin in the game on Easy or Normal mode. The last one will be near the end of your time on the shipwreck, after you've fixed the elevator, but before you've found what you're looking for. The complete listing is here.
Into the Depths - Unmissable story achievement for completing the ship level, and heading into the swamp
He's Here, There, Everywhere - Destroy all the Mr. Everywhere bobbleheads. Unlike most other RE:7 achievements, you don't have to destroy them all in a single playthrough. The final one appears just after your return to the Guest House. See the complete list here.
End of the Night - Finish the Game having chosen to save Mia.
Just a Memory Now - Finish the Game having chosen to save Zoe.
Playing it Safe - Finish the game on Easy Mode. Also unlocks after beating the game on any other difficulty.
The Nightmare's Finally Over - Finish the game on Normal Mode. Also unlocks if you're beating the game on Madhouse, and you haven't already played on Normal. In which case, bravo!
Who's Your Daddy Now - Beat the game on Madhouse.
ACHIEVEMENTS FOR ANOTHER PLAYTHROUGH
Just Get Me Outta Here - Finish the game in under 4 hours
Mad Pelicans - Get all 33 Antique Coins in Madhouse Mode. Guide here.
Resource Manager - Only open the Item Box three times. Note that there are three times the story will require you to use the inventory box, so you have zero discretion on this one. Comlpete guide here
Walk it Off - Use only 3 First Aid Meds during the course of the game. It is possible to get through the game using none, if you successfully avoid Jack while getting to the hatch. Note that Steroids, while few and far between, do heal you without violating this achievement. Likewise, Herbs can be eaten raw for a small amount of health.